Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
