You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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