I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
