I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
