stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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