I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
