Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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