you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
