just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
