My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
