You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Vodka?
Forever.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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