I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
