We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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