Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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