On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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