I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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