Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
