Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
