Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
