At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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