Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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