DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
