I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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