you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
