a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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