he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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