Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
