Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
