Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
