he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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