Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
