It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
