You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
