I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
