I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
