So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
