We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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