you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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