turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
