You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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