Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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