oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
