Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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