Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
