Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
