Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
