Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
