I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
