Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
