Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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