bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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